I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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