Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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