Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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