His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
