It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
