I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
40s are totally the cure
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
