I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
