Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
