I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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