Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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