How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
