When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
