So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
