he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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