The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Every concussion has its silver lining
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
