you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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