All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
