I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
