I just pynch a tree in the face
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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