chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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