I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
