Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My pussy is not your playground.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
