I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just forgot I was standing up.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
