if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
