You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
