Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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