dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
