Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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