I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
