I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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