dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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