I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
