I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
