I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
