dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize