i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize