I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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