the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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