My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
