I wish my penis had an off switch
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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