You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
