Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
