I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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