Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
