is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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