In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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