Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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