there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize