My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
