I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
