your parents love me but you hate me
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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