there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
last night I used snow as a chaser
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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