theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
