He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize