Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
