Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
