you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
