My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize