who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
