I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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