I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize