She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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