i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
