I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
