3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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