my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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