Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
