fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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