my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
