Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
