a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
